


Blame It On Da Vinci

by Huntress69



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: (Slight) Farce, First Time, Humor, Leonard Snart Is Amazing, M/M, Mick Rory Is Awesome, The Team Is Like A Dysfunctional Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-14 04:14:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7153091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress69/pseuds/Huntress69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission to the 16th century. Ray gets injured. Len and Mick get into trouble - because of course they do. Disney films get a mention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Italy, 1507

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Beta by the stupendous Lynda, who should be canonized for putting up with me. All remaining errors are mine and if you see any, feel free to send Mick to spank me. I promise not to enjoy it.  
> 2) Italian translations from the Internet. I did my best.  
> 3) I did some research, but if I got something wrong, my apologies. It's fiction anyway.

**Disclaimer:** No time to disclaim. Martin Stein and I are off to discover the secrets of life, the universe and everything.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Florence, Italy - 1507.

They had chased Vandal Savage into an alley.

Kendra was holding **THE** dagger and was fully prepared to end him once and for all.

A group of kids ran through the alley distracting them.

Savage came out of nowhere and lunged at the nearest person, ready to strike.

"MICK!" Ray was sans his Atom suit as it had been recently damaged, but that didn't stop him from getting in the way - he was knifed in the abdomen.

The teams attentions went to Ray and Savage disappeared down the alley.

Ray stared down at his body, eyeing the knife handle sticking out of him. "Holy fuck, that hurts!" He winced from the pain.

"Stop being a baby and watch your language." Mick slung Ray's right arm over his shoulder. "It didn't go in that far." Unfortunately Mick had experience with these things. 

"He's right and Eagle Scout's don't curse." Len did the same to Ray's left arm. "Leave the bad words to me and Mick."

"Do we pull it out?" Jax asked innocently.

"NO!" Mick, Len and Sara shouted.

"Why not?" Ray asked them.

"Because then you might actually gush blood," Mick explained, "and I don't want this shirt ruined."

"Right now it's not too bad." Len looked down at the knife. "But if we move it, it's going to be a bloody mess."

"Now is **not** the time for your dumbass puns," Mick told him.

They half-dragged him from the alley, the team behind them.

Ray shifted his body a bit. "OH GOD!" He couldn't help it; he began to cry. 

"Carry him, Mick," Len told him.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to." Mick scooped Ray into his arms, bridal style. "The things I do for this lousy team."

Ray's head lolled back.

"Hey, no passing out!" Mick ordered Ray. "And now you got blood all over my shirt."

"I'm sorry." Ray forced his head up and buried it in Mick's chest. "I'll wash it."

"You'll buy me a new one is what you'll do." As they walked back to the ship Mick kept talking. "You're rich - I want one of those fancy Armani's, hand sewn."

Len joined in. "At least 10 - in different colors."

"And you'll fly me to Italy to pick them up." Mick nodded to Ray. "I ain't never been there."

"You're here now, Mick." Sara took Ray's hand and felt him squeeze it. "I know it hurts, Ray."

"I want to go in 2016," Mick picked up his pace, "on one of your private jets."

"And drink champagne," Len said.

"I want to try caviar," Sara grinned.

"What are you guys talking about?" Jax asked, confusion written all over his face.

"Distracting him from the pain, kid," Len explained.

"Get out of the way." Kendra shoved Sara aside and grabbed Ray's hand. "He's my boyfriend, not yours."

"Kinda possessive there, Chay-Ara?" Sara asked, teasing a bit by using that name.

"Why yes, I am." Kendra stared into Ray's eyes. "That was stupid, Ray; brave but still stupid."

"It was brave but not stupid!" Mick snapped back at her, just for show. "He was saving me and I'm important."

"He is," Len added. "We always need somebody to do the heavy lifting. My back is not what it used to be."

"And mine is?" Mick glanced at Ray. "You see what you started?"

Jax stared at the wound. "If that wound was lower...."

"Soprano city," Sara nodded, "and no little Raymond's in his future."

"You're all," Ray couldn't help laughing, "insane."

"On a scale of one to 10, Raymond, what's the pain level?" Len asked with glee. "Lucky 13?"

"You have got to be kidding me, Leonard." Sara tsk'd. "I'd go with at least a 15."

"Twenty!" Ray screamed at him. "Now my head hurts."

"That's what you get for yelling, Haircut." Mick shook his head in disdain. 

"I don't think it hit his liver." Martin took a brief look. "That's on the other side."

"Are we getting an anatomy lesson now, Stein?" Len asked snidely. "You see what you started, Raymond? Mick hated school the first time around." 

"It could have hit the spleen," Mick observed, "or maybe punctured his stomach."

Len blinked at him. "How do you know that?" 

"I learned anatomy so I'd know where to do the most damage." Mick gave him a wry grin. "I would have stabbed him in the kidney or lung."

"I'm going to die and you're all making jokes!" Ray whimpered. "My head hurts worse now."

"Then quit raisin' your voice, you moron," Mick told him. "And you'll die when I kill you, not before."

"You still owe us a batch of orange spice cupcakes from losing at poker," Sara reminded him. "And I get to lick the bowl."

Len realized that Rip was hanging back and not saying a word, so he slowed down until he was at Rip's side. "Much as it always gives me a major thrill to blame you for everything, this time it wasn't your fault."

Sara flanked Rip on the other side. "You can make it up to Ray by getting him the Disney collection on Blu-ray."

"We can watch Dumbo together," Mick happily nodded. "It's my favorite."

"Dumbo; that's appropriate for Mick, isn't it?" Len cracked.

"I heard that, Snart!" Mick growled.

"I know you did," Len was laughing, "and Raymond, Mick cries when they take Dumbo's mommy away."

"Her name is Mrs. Jumbo," Mick clarified, "and Len bawls like a baby when Bambi's mother bites the dust." 

"Bambi...." Ray was crying again. 

"Now see what you did, Mick!" Len chastised and heard sniffling, noticing it was Sara. "What are you all teary-eyed about?"

"Bambi's mother." Sara wiped her eyes. "It was so sad."

"It was," Rip nodded in agreement. "Yes, Disney is around in my time and whoever made that film was a sadist."

"I think we should go back and make them rewrite it," Martin said with an air of arrogance. "At the end Bambi's mother is found alive."

"Seconded!" Jax patted him on the shoulder. "We finally agree on something, Grey."

"Len knows the songs from Cinderella," Mick revealed, "and he sings along to them."

"I have a little sister," Len reminded him.

"Yeah," Mick snickered, "we know that's the reason you learned 'em."

"And you have a crush on Snow White," Len revealed.

"She is the fairest of them all," Mick said matter-of-fact. 

"Hakuna Matata..." Jax began to sing.

"...what a wonderful phrase," Sara continued.

Jax continued. "Hakuna Matata..."

Sara grinned. "...ain't no passing...."

A loud shot was heard.

Len waved his gun in the air. "I hate The Lion King."

"But he likes lions," Mick told them. "He threw a guy to a pride of 'em one night at the National City zoo."

"And another one went to a pack of wolves," Len added with an air of bluster, "because the tiger enclosure was closed to the public."

"You brought a Glock?" Rip was aghast. "That could alter the course of history."

"Only if someone steals it," Len pointed out.

"Are we there yet?" Ray groaned. 

"Just a few more minutes," Mick said softly. 

It was more like 20, but Mick didn't need to say that, and the team pretty much stayed silent for the rest of the walk.

They finally got to the Waverider and Mick laid Ray on the medical bed. "That's the worst of it," he told Ray. "Trust me."

"Can I get the good drugs?" Ray asked. "Please?"

"Yes, you can, Ray," Kendra assured him. "All the drugs you want."

"Demerol," Sara insisted. 

"Gideon," Len smirked, "hook him up with Oxycodone."

"Morphine or maybe Ketamine." Mick had an insane grin. "I like Ketamine - at least 150 milligrams."

"That's a bit much, Mister Rory," Martin told him.

"Perfect amount to knock someone out for a few hours." Mick was smug. "I know my drugs."

"I'll bet you do," Martin grumbled, "and I'm afraid to ask what you use it for."

"You really don't want to know; you won't like it," Len told him - with a perfectly straight face.

"Oh my God!" Martin was clearly shocked.

Mick lowered his head, hiding his smirk; he really enjoyed fucking with Stein's head. 

"Did you people forget about me?" Ray whimpered.

"Apologies, Raymond," Rip sighed. "Gideon, pick a painkiller - your choice."

"Oxycodone has been administered," Gideon said.

Len threw his fist in the air. "Len is always right."

"Can I remove the knife, Gideon?" Mick asked.

"Yes, Mister Rory," she told him, "just ensure there is pressure on the wound until I can fully stabilize him."

Ray let loose with a shriek when Mick removed it and Sara kept pressure on the wound.

They all stood around until Gideon had Ray fully stabilized and had applied a sealant.

Then the mood of the room shifted.

"You fix him up good, Gideon," Mick told her, his face now serious and concerned. "You got that?"

"I shall, Mister Rory," she replied. "It does not appear any vital organs were damaged so I will be able to repair the wound with no problems."

"How long before he'll be okay?" Jax asked.

"Perhaps two days," Gideon said.

Sara took Kendra by the arm. "There's nothing you can do here."

"I can stay and hold his hand," Kendra said.

"He'll be fine." Sara pulled her away. "We bird girls need to relax now. I say we hit up a bar."

They all filed out, save for Mick, who lingered behind.

"That really was the dumbest thing you ever did, Palmer." Mick looked scornful. "It's right up there with what you did in that gulag."

"He's going to be all right, Mick."

Mick heard Len's voice and turned to see him standing there. 

"He's a tough motherfucker." Len walked over. "Sara says we're going to get weird in the 16th century and you have to join us."

"I'm gonna stay here," Mick said, "and lecture him on idiocy."

"Go, Mick," Ray's eyes cracked open a little, "and 'm not dumb or a motherfucker."

"No," Mick smiled at him, "you're not."

"Kendra," Ray mumbled, "where....?"

"Sara's going to force her to get drunk," Len told him.

"Good." Ray's eyes closed. "Make her 'kay, Snart."

"We'll all make sure she's fine." Len patted him on the shoulder.

"Mister Palmer will sleep for a while," Gideon told them. "It is acceptable to depart the medical bay."

"Let's get out of here." Len left the medical bay with Mick behind him. "Stein asked me what you do with Ketamine."

"What'd you tell him, Lenny?"

"I sort of avoided answering."

"Sort of?"

"I was a bad boy." Len gave him a wicked grin. "I reminded him he roofied Jax."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

The crew was gathered in the room located off the bridge, having proper clothing fabricated by Gideon.

Going after Savage in their own clothes was one thing; appearing in a general public area was another.

"This is cool." Sara was wearing a long flowing dress, with her bust pushed all the way up. 

"Are you taking a weapon?" Kendra asked her.

"Not today," Sara shook her head, "I have these." She held up her hands. "Deadly weapons both."

Kendra yanked the top of her dress down to show off more cleavage. "What do you think?"

"If you didn't have Ray, I'd hit on you." Sara waggled her eyebrows. "I still might."

Martin, Jefferson and Rip were all in shirts, jackets and knickers.

Len donned the same outfit he had worn in Salvation: Black shirt, vest, pants and boots. The only differences were no hat and a jacket instead of a duster - and he tucked a small revolver into his jacket.

Mick decided to wear whatever the hell he wanted - 16th century be damned - and despite Rip telling him he would stand out, he wore a pair of denims, one of his (many) grey Henley's and his usual work boots; at his side was a Ka-Bar in a black sheath (courtesy of Len), a jackknife in his back pocket and his _Zippo_ tucked into the front pocket.

"I'm not going to be, you know, carted off as a slave, am I?" Jax asked with trepidation.

"Good point," Kendra added.

"I don't really know," Martin said honestly. 

"Aww c'mon guys, don't sweat it." Sara swung an arm around Kendra's shoulder. "You two," she eyed Martin and Jax, "can just become Firestorm if anything happens, and this gorgeous woman," Sara glanced down at Kendra's chest, "can sprout her wings and freak everyone out."

"I'm down with that," Jax nodded. 

"Can it, Marty!" Sara snapped at Martin as he opened his mouth. "This could be an educational opportunity for Jax." She pretty much pulled Jax and Kendra towards the exit. 

"Did you receive another subdermal translator from Gideon, Leonard?" Rip asked him.

"No and I'll live." Len's other had been damaged, and when he discovered it doubled as a _LoJack_ for Rip he declined a new one.

"I don't have a new one either," Mick remarked.

"You don't need it," Len told him.

"I don't know how I got talked into another trip to a bar," Rip remarked as he left. "They always end in disaster."

Mick turned to Martin. "How do you say sedative in Italian?"

Martin stared at Mick in disbelief before he too left.

"I'm making Stein insane, aren't I?" Mick snickered.

"You are at that," Len answered with a small laugh. 

The last thing to get was currency and they were 'officially' ready to leave.

Mick was the last to exit the Waverider. "Keep an eye on Palmer, Gideon."

"I will, Mister Rory," she reassured him.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave them subdermal translators instead of pills. Because I felt like it.


	2. The Accidental Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Len and Mick get into trouble. What else is new?

An Italian taverna - wine, women and, yes, song. 

In Fiesole, a small township north of Florence.

Rip thought that was safer than the large city of Florence; less chance of any trouble.

Sara was failing in her attempt to teach the musicians "Funiculì, Funiculà".

Rip dragged her back to the table. "You may change history if you teach them that."

"Stop with the history crap and it's a fun song." Sara downed another goblet of wine. "This wine is the shit."

"I think it's pretty decent." Len finished his and poured another. "Not shitty at all."

Sara rolled her eyes. "That means it's good." 

"Ah, I see." Martin nodded to her. "In the same sense that "it's bad" translates to "it's cool"."

"You got it, Marty." Sara grabbed a flask and poured another for herself.

"I don't get today's slang," Len shrugged.

"Neither do I, Leonard," Martin said, finishing his own wine. "It used to be much simpler."

"Old people, whatcha gonna do." Sara laughed.

"I am not old." Len narrowed his eyes. "And **you** are a bitch."

"That's not nice!" Jax pursed his lips.

"No, it's not, Jax. He's a potty-mouthed heathen." Sara refilled Kendra's cup. "Drink up, hawk goddess!"

"I think I like that nickname." Kendra picked up her goblet. "In honor of my sweet Ray, who I'm going to kill once he's better."

"Jefferson, I think you've had enough." Martin took the small goblet away from him. "I'm starting to get a buzz from your drinking."

"The kid's old enough to drink, Stein." Len poured Jax another. "Enjoy it, Jax."

"And even if he wasn't," Sara banged her goblet against Jax's, "he's **earned** the right to get drunk."

Len glanced at Mick, who was quiet and staring at the table. "Cheer up, Mick; Ray will be fine." 

Mick nodded to him but shook his head at Sara when she poured him some wine. "I don't touch the stuff."

"Suit yourself." Sara drank both his and her own. 

Len looked across the room. "I'm going to get us some food, because it doesn't look like there are actual servers." He headed for what appeared to be a cooking area.

"For fuck's sake, Stein!" Mick noticed Martin staring at him. "I use it to help me sleep sometimes and so does Lance!"

"Did you have to tell him?" Sara was giggling. "I liked it better when he suspected you were using Ketamine to roofie people."

"I couldn't take the glares anymore." Mick gave Jax a pointed look. "And I didn't want the kid to start believin' it."

"It works good," Sara nodded furiously, "and you don't remember your dreams."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Martin huffed. "And why Ketamine?"

"Because that's the one we like," Mick told him. "And it was more fun messin' with you, Stein."

Sara patted Mick's cheek. "How could you think that sweet Micky would do a bad thing like that?"

"Exactly." Mick was grinning. "I'm a perfect paragon of virtue." 

Kendra was in the midst of drinking and nearly choked on her wine.

"I see your halo, Micky." Sara patted him on the head this time.

"Vodka and whiskey you can handle; wine fucks you right up." He suddenly had his appetite back. "Where's Snart with the damn food?"

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Len was on his way back to the table with a tray when he heard the name " _Lisa del Giocondo_ " being mentioned. His eyes went wide and he stopped in his tracks, nearly dropping the tray. Getting back to the table he put it down. "Give me a minute." Len went to speak with another man a few tables away and then returned. "Mick, I think fresh air will do you some good." He motioned Mick to his feet. 

"But I'm hungry now." Mick ate a piece of flatbread.

"Take it to go." Len put a piece of flatbread in each of Mick's hands. "Come on."

Mick ate both pieces and grabbed another. 

Rip was immediately suspicious. "What are you going to steal?"

"Nothing," Len answered, seemingly offended. 

"I don't believe you," Rip said, "I know you're plotting."

"Plotting?" Len gave him an incredulous look. "Do I look like some kind of criminal mastermind?"

"Yes!" They all answered.

"Thank you for the compliment." Len bowed. "But I give my word no thieving." He filled another goblet. "I may be a shameless reprobate," Len emptied it in one gulp, "but I've got honor and I never break my word."

"He doesn't," Mick added. "Strange but true."

"Then I'll take you at your word." Rip nodded to him. "But if I find out you did something illegal...."

"What are you going to do, Rip?" Len scoffed. "Ground me?"

"Begone, you dastardly evildoers." Rip waved them off. "Behave yourselves!" He yelled after them.

"Of course we won't!" Mick said over his shoulder.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

They had taken no more than a few steps outside when Mick put his hand on Len's shoulder and turned him so they were facing. "I don't need fresh air, so where are we **really** going?"

"We are going to pick something up," Len explained, "and I think you'll like it."

"You gave your word, Len, and if we ain't thievin', what are we doin'?"

"You'll find out." Len began to walk again. "I have a plan." 

Mick grunted.

"Aren't you going to ask what it is, Mick?"

"Can I light somebody on fire?"

"No." Len grabbed Mick and pulled him into an alley. "Lisa del Giocondo...."

"You dragged me with you to pick up some woman?" Mick upper lip curled. "I hate being your wingman."

"Mona Lisa!"

"You wanna fuck the Mona Lisa model?" Mick considered that. "Can I fuck her too? Do we double-team her?" He gave Len his most serious expression. "Are threesomes acceptable in 1507?"

"You're about to make me take back every time I said you weren't stupid."

"You would do that?" Mick stared at him with wide eyes. "That hurts me, Leonard - very deeply."

Len saw Mick's lips twitching. " **Now** I take them all back."

"I know who she is, Len; I know everything about that painting," Mick told him. "But you said no stealing."

"No stealing, Mick; I have an idea to get Da Vinci to **give** it to us," Len explained. "You need to trust me."

"Forget trust." Mick pushed him aside. "I'm getting more food."

"Fine, go eat, I'll wait here." Len kicked at the dirt. 

Mick studied him; he knew Len very well. "Something crawl up your ass and die?"

"Lance called me old." 

"I know, I was sitting right there." Mick sighed. "I thought 'the shit' meant crappy too. And Len, when I was 29, 44 meant one foot in the grave."

Len frowned and shook his head. "Maybe I am old."

"That makes me real happy, Len, considering I'm older than you."

"Yeah, but you're in great shape, Mick." Len gave him a light punch on the arm. "Still harder than a tank."

"You're in great shape, too, Lenny, and you still look good." Mick smiled at him. "Still as pretty as ever."

"Thanks, Mick," Len said snidely. "I'm being nice, you're mocking me. Way to make me feel better."

"I ain't mocking you, Len." Mick palmed his face and moved closer. "I always thought you were pretty." His lips ghosted over Len's.

Len felt Mick's breath on his face. "Mick, what are you doing?" 

"Something I should have done a long time ago." Mick's left hand slid to Len's nape, "I'm going to kiss you," and his tongue was in Len's mouth before Len knew it. 

Len's right hand migrated to Mick's shoulder while his left rested on Mick's lower back and he just held tight, a soft moan coming from him as he enjoyed the kiss. "That was pleasant."

"I'm glad you liked it." Mick licked at Len's lips, teasing him. "You kiss real good, Lenny."

"Why now, Mick?" Len was genuinely curious. "After all these years?" 

"I dunno; seemed like the right time for it." Mick's left hand slid down Len's body and under his jacket, finding its way to his ass. "You got any objections?"

"None whatsoever." Len took Mick's right hand in his and he traced the scars with his thumb. "No gloves." 

"Sometimes I miss actually touching stuff." Mick stroked Len's cheek with the back of his hand. "I couldn't feel this through a fucking glove."

That soft caress gave Len butterflies in his stomach. "I think I like you touching me."

"Good." Mick pushed him against the wall. "I can do more if you let me." His hand slipped around from Len's ass and groped his cock. "You hard for me, Len?"

"I am." Len put his hand atop Mick's - and pulled it away. "I do want it, Mick - believe me, I had no fucking clue - but this **is** 1507." 

"And?"

"We get caught doing this here, they'll probably kill us." 

"Why?"

"I'm pretty sure two men together is punishable by death." Len took a deep breath. "We'll go back to my room - or yours - and...."

He was interrupted by a shriek of "OMOSESSUALES!"

"Of course," Len groaned. "Why am I not surprised?"

This was followed by someone yelling "ERETICO!"

"Mick?"

"Yeah, Len?"

"Run."

Of course the direction they headed in led them straight to a dead end. 

"Not our first brawl in an alley," Len stated.

"No problem." Mick looked over at the mini-mob. "There's only seven of them."

But the seven suddenly became quite a few more.

Mick took down four men and Len three before they were overwhelmed and beaten unconscious.

**~~~~~~~~~~**


	3. Jailhouse Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's been arrested?

Mick cracked his eyes open and he felt a small bump at the back of his head - and then noticed he was in a cell. There was light in the room - it wasn't coming from torches - and he realized the sun was up. "Len?" He saw his partner across the cell, lying on the floor. There was no movement and Mick half-crawled over to him. "Lenny?" He felt for a pulse and was relieved to find one. "Lenny, baby, wakey, wakey."

"Baby, Mick?" came Len's murmured reply. He started to sit up and held his head. "Fucking hurts."

"I'll call you whatever I want." Mick sat against the wall and pulled Len over to him. "Anything broken?" 

"No, but my head is pounding." Len looked around. "Where are we?"

"There are bars, so I guess jail."

"How long have we been in here?"

Mick nodded to the small window adorned with thick bars. "Sun is out already." 

"And nobody came looking for us?" Len asked, although his question was not directed at Mick.

"Ain't the first time we stayed out all night," Mick reminded him. "We disappeared for almost two days in 2081 and **you** told everybody to give us at least three before they should send out a search party." He leaned over and gave Len a chaste kiss. "And good morning."

The man in the adjoining cell shrieked, made the sign of the cross and shouted, "OMOSESSUALES!"

"Yes, we know!" Len snapped at him.

"I heard that last night." Mick put his arm around Len. "You know Italian, so translate."

"Omosessuale - which means homosexual or, more directly considering the era," Len sighed, "sodomite."

"What about that other word I heard? Eretico?" Mick asked. "That mean erection?"

"Eretico, Mick? That means heretic."

"What's heretic?"

"Roughly translated?" Len thought for a moment. "We're going to die and probably painfully."

"They took my Ka-Bar, Lenny." Mick pouted. "You stole it for me when I turned 40."

"I don't have my gun, Mick." Len just shrugged. "At least it wasn't my Glock."

"Toilet?" Mick asked.

Len pointed at the corner.

"Fuckin' gross." Mick stood and walked to the corner and relieved himself. "No soap and water? Highly unsanitary."

Len laughed at that and took his turn.

A couple of rats skittered across the floor.

"This place is filthy." Mick growled. "Worse than solitary in Iron Heights."

"It's a medieval prison, Mick, and I don't think there's maid service."

"A guy could get all kinds of diseases in here." The rats came closer so Mick dug into his pocket, thankful they hadn't searched him thoroughly; he knelt down and flicked his lighter, watching them scatter. 

There was a scream of "STREGONE!" from the next cell.

"PUT THAT AWAY!" Len shouted.

Mick did as he was told. "What did he call me?"

"A witch." Len shook his head as the other prisoner went on a rant. "He's saying you made fire with your hand."

Mick looked into the other cell. "I ain't no Metahuman, you asswipe."

Len rubbed at his temple. "I'm going to die with an idiot at my side." 

Mick stepped into Len's personal space and smiled at him. "Yeah, but I'm your idiot, Len." 

"Yes you are." Len framed his face and they shared another kiss. 

This one was long and drawn-out, and involved a few moans and some groping.

"Depravare perverso!" The other prisoner shouted.

"Did he just call us depraved perverts?" Mick turned to the man and snarled. 

"Very good, Mick."

"See, I'm not a complete moron."

"I'm not touching that one." 

"Insults will not get you laid, Snart."

"No, but my pretty face will." Len went to the cell door. 

"Will this help?" Mick flipped open his jackknife. "It's got a six inch blade."

"Not here." Len studied the lock. "Considering the year, the lock is rather complex."

"So no prison break?"

"If I have a bit of time."

Some guards entered the room and Mick looked them over. "We can take those guys on."

The guards went to the other cell and dragged another prisoner out, chained him up - and began to whip him.

"Len, is that going to happen to us?"

Len questioned one of the guards. "No whipping for...men who fornicate with other men."

"Why not?"

"Apparently if any of our blood touches them it'll make them gay."

"What about a spanking?" 

"You like spankings?"

"You don't, Len?"

"No, I don't, Mick."

Mick lowered his head. "Then I don't think we can have a relationship."

"What?"

Mick looked up with a smirk. "I was just fuckin' with ya, Lenny!"

Len hauled off and punched him in the face.

"OWW!" Mick rubbed his jaw. "What'd you do that for?"

"I was just fucking with you, Mick!"

"It hurt."

"Good." Len stared at him. "I really think I've hit you in the head too many times with my cold gun."

Mick was ticking off his fingers. "Three times in the last five months. Yeah, maybe too many."

"Or maybe not enough."

"So what **does** happen with us, Len?"

Len asked the guard and received a quick answer. "We get a trial."

"Fine with me."

"Then they burn us at the stake."

"Burning? Well okay then! Bring it on!"

"I wish I had my gun so I could make it four."

Six guards came for them shortly thereafter.

Six guards were out cold a minute after that.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Approximately 35 minutes later the two men arrived at a clearing where both were certain the Waverider was - except it was nowhere to be found.

"This is the right place." Mick nodded to the ground, showing an imprint. "The ship was here. The fuckers hit the road without us!"

Len looked around. "Mick, over there." He pointed to a tree, where there was a piece of paper stuck into it with a knife.

**++++++++++**

_Hi guys,_

_You haven't been abandoned._

_Savage located in Bologna._

_Jax made an Oscar Mayer joke._

_Marty says he's hanging around you two too much._

_Back ASAP._

_Whatever you're doing, hope you're having fun._

_Sara_

_PS Rip says despite you giving your word he hopes you don't steal the Mona Lisa.  
PPS Ray doing well; will make cookies instead of cupcakes. Oatmeal Raisin for Mick.  
PPPS Heads up. Kendra and I are in a relationship now. With Ray._

**++++++++++**

"He remembered my favorite cookie." Mick happily nodded. "And they'll all be for me, because I know you hate them."

"Who would have thought Raymond would get into a threesome?" Len mused.

"Mona Lisa, Len."

"We'll get to it, Mick."

"Uh, Lenny?" Mick pointed over Len's shoulder. "We got friends."

Len turned to see men both standing there and on horseback. "Fancy a fight?"

Mick seemed to be focused behind the men. "I don't think so."

Len noticed what Mick was staring at - a cannon; if they attempted to fight, it would be futile. Yes, Len knew when to choose his battles. "Hi-ho, hi-ho, back to prison we go."

**~~~~~~~~~~**


	4. Prison-A-Go-Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Mick get a very short trial; Mick loses his temper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other DC characters get mentioned.

They were tossed back into the cell and a few minutes later were given bowls of some kind of gruel. 

"Lunchtime." Mick stared at his bowl. "Looks...appetizing."

"How do you know the time?"

"Growin' up on a farm you learn to tell it without a clock." Mick shrugged. "It's around noon."

"What is this shit?" Len looked at the bowl. "It looks like one of Lisa's meal attempts."

Mick tasted it and cringed. "Her cooking is tastier." But he ate it anyway. "Better than starving, Len."

"That's debatable." Len did begin to eat and he was almost done when his vision began to blur. "What the...Mick, I think the food is drugged." He didn't get a response and turned his head - Mick was already passed out. "Oh fuck." Len was halfway to his feet when his knees buckled and he hit the floor.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Mick...Mick wake up."

"G'way." Mick pushed back with one of his hands. "Sleepin' here."

"Mick, sweetheart," Len said lovingly.

"Yeah, Lenny?" Mick replied with a sleepy and silly grin.

"WAKE UP!"

Mick lifted his head. "I'm awake." He tried to focus his eyesight. "I can't see straight."

Len began to speak to the prisoners in the other cell. "They drugged us with valerian to prevent another escape."

"Valerian?" Mick blinked a few times, his vision beginning to clear up.

"It's an herb that can be used as a sedative." At Mick's raised eyebrows, Len clarified. "I dated a botanist once - yes, dated, it was years ago - name of Pamela Isley." He smiled at the memory. "Valerian can also be an aphrodisiac."

"Isley...Isley...." Mick was thinking. "Ain't she Poison Ivy? I thought The Bat - Batman - whatever the fuck they call him now - stuck her in Arkham."

"She is now, but she wasn't then," Len told him. "And how do you know that anyway?"

"I'll tell **you** if you tell **me** who The Flash is."

"No."

"Aww, c'mon, Lenny; I'll trade you Joker and Scarecrow for Scarlet."

"Joker is Jack Napier and Scarecrow is Doctor Jonathan Crane - Len knows all." He sighed. "No deal."

"I can see now." Mick looked around and made a horrible face. "We're still in the same shithole."

"I asked for a suite but there were none available." Len pointed to the corner. "The bathroom is yours."

Mick picked himself up and stepped over to the corner. "If I get any infections, I'm suing Italy." 

Len pointed to a rat. "You're more likely to get the plague."

"Gee, thanks, Len. I feel much better now." Mick had just zipped up when there was a 'clanging' of the outer doors and some guards entered the cell area. 

There was rapid fire Italian spoken and Len tried to keep up.

"I think they said we're going to court...or trial."

"It's about time." Mick did a head count. "Eight guards this time."

"You up for a fight yet?"

"Oh hell yeah."

"Then let's get out of here." Len nodded to him. "Again."

Their cell was opened and, as with the six the previous day, the eight were unprepared for Len and Mick and their fighting style and were laid out pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, unlike the last time, this time the two men were confronted in the outer cell area by a dozen more, all armed with swords.

They both put their hands up in surrender and were led upstairs into a corridor, and from there into a small room.

Mick looked around, seeing a table with nine men. "What the fuck is this?" 

"Trial by no jury," Len told him.

"Where's our lawyer? I demand counsel!" Mick turned to Len. "Do we actually get a lawyer?"

"No." Len nodded to a man sitting at the head of a long table. "He's in charge - the magistrate."

"I've been on trial more times than you," Mick said, "and I think I can defend us both."

Len shook his head. "We're doomed."

The magistrate held up a scroll and went on a long rant, pausing every few minutes to point at Len or Mick before he continued again. And just as soon as he started, he stopped.

"Mick, we have just been found guilty of heresy, sodomy and witchcraft." 

"A 15 minute trial?" Mick snarled at them. "Even Judge Judy gives you 25 minutes!"

The magistrate glared at Len and said a few things.

Len laughed, he couldn't help it. "He said...."

"What's so funny?"

"He said even though I have the eyes of an angel, I also have the smile of Satan."

Mick looked over at him. "Mmm, yeah, I could see that."

"Thanks, Mick."

"Well maybe if you stopped smirking for a minute...."

The magistrate then focused on Mick and said a few things.

"What'd he say about me, Len?"

"He said that you should be..." Len paused, "...making strong babies with women instead of wasting your time with me."

Mick knew there was more. "What else?"

"I've corrupted you." Len shrugged ever so slightly. "He also said that if you agree to make babies, he'll commute your sentence."

"The only Italian I know is what Tessa Valenti told me when I asked her out." Mick smiled at the magistrate. "Vai a farti fottere."

"Did you miss the part where I said he'd let you go?"

"Telling him to go fuck himself was a lot more fun." 

The magistrate yelled some more and the two men were led out.

Len watched Mick make a fist and he placed his hand on Mick's arm. "Don't; you can't fight that many swords."

"I ain't goin' down without a fight, Len."

"I don't expect you to and I'm not either." Len squeezed Mick's arm, feeling the tenseness. "I can't do this alone, Mick; I need you."

"Gettin' **introspective** , Lenny?"

"Four syllables." Len let him go. "Your vocabulary is improving."

"I even know I'm using it properly." Mick smiled at him. "Wanna know how?"

"You read the thesaurus Jax left in the kitchen?"

"I just wanted to learn some new words to replace the old ones is all." Mick was shoved forward and turned, gritting his teeth. "HEY!" 

The edges of two blades were immediately at Mick's throat. 

Len put his palm up as a calming gesture and the swords were lowered. "Pick your battles, Mick; now is not the time." They were put back into their cell and Len glared at the two guards who had threatened Mick. "Prima di lasciare la città, ci vediamo voi due morto."

They laughed at Len, and continued laughing as they left the cell block.

"What did you tell them, Len?"

"Before we leave this town I'll see them both dead." Len took a seat and dug into his inside coat pocket. "Gin?"

"You have cards?"

"Obviously."

"Deal 'em."

To kill time they went from Gin to Poker to Go Fish, and when they were offered dinner they declined. They didn't know how long they played but eventually they did stop and just sat side by side.

Len laid his head on Mick's shoulder. "I'm tired, Mick." 

"OMOSESSUALES!" The man in the other cell screamed at them. 

"And I am tired of hearing that shit." Mick got up and walked over to the bars that separated them from the other cell. "Come here." 

"Vieni qui," Len said.

"Vieni qui," Mick repeated.

The three prisoners in the adjacent cell looked at Mick.

" **Him**." Mick pointed and waved the specific prisoner over.

The man was hesitant but did meet him at the bars.

"I don't like narrow-minded people." Mick turned to Len.

"Or bigots." Len sighed. "Sei ottuso, bigotto e malizioso."

"Pervertito's!" The man screamed.

"So now I'm a pervert?" Mick slipped his hands through the bars and wrapped them around his throat. "You got a death wish?"

"Hai un ultimo desiderio prima di morire?" Len knew what was likely going to happen; his translation was "Do you have a last wish before dying?"

"Fottuto stronzo!" The man shot back.

Len clasped his hands behind his head and watched. "He just called you a fucking asshole, Mick."

"Now ya pissed me off!" Mick squeezed and the guy went from red to blue to purple - and then there was a snap and the guy went down. "You got anything to add?" He asked the other two prisoners.

They didn't need to know English to get the meaning; both made the sign of the cross and backed away.

"Don't fuck with me!" Mick sat back down and took out his lighter.

Len glanced at the body. "Why didn't you set him on fire?"

"He required a more personal touch." Mick flicked it and his attention was drawn to the flame.

"What do you see when you stare at it?"

"Colors, Lenny, so many colors."

"Orange." Len focused on the flame for a few minutes; he had never done that before. "Yellow...white...blue...." 

"Now you're gettin' it, Len." Mick moved his finger through the flame. "That's what I see; all those colors together - fuckin' beautiful." 

"I'm happy with plain orange." Len flipped the lighter closed and Mick tucked it back into his pocket. "You could have been free, Mick."

"I woulda been bored shitless, Lenny." Mick brought his arm around Len. "I wonder when we'll be executed."

"We're not sticking around to find out." Len curled into Mick. "Tomorrow we escape again and this time we don't get caught."

"I approve of that plan." Mick urged Len up so he was straddling Mick's lap and then he kicked out with his foot. "Fuckin' rats."

"Mick?"

"What?"

"When we do get around to fucking, it's going to be magnificent."

"It better be, for all the shit I've had to put up with."

"G'night, Mick."

"Shut up and go to sleep, Len."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Velarian can be used as a sedative, but I made up the bit about it being used as an aphrodisiac. Consider that poetic license.


	5. Point Of No Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilty until proven innocent.

The two men were woken up by shouting and a man standing outside their cell.

Mick snarled. "Bastards woke me up out of a nice dream about pizza."

Len sighed. "Always with the food, Mick."

The man looked like a priest; he was holding a bible in one hand and a cross in the other and he gave them both a hard stare.

"Do we get breakfast?" Mick made a big production of stretching. "I'd like a cup of coffee and a danish."

The priest rattled off something in Italian.

"Confess your sins and perhaps you shall find your way to God," Len translated, forcing himself to his feet.

"What if I don't want God?" Mick stood also and frowned at the priest. "I was kinda hoping to spend eternity with a little heat."

"And making s'mores," Len added. 

"CONFESSO!" They were ordered.

"I confess," Len started. "I mean...confesso...." He took a moment to think. "Mi piace Kirk meglio di Picard."

"What?" Mick made a face. "Did you just say Kirk is better than Picard?"

"I did."

"I get it now." Mick nodded. "I confess...confesso...mi piace Babylon 5 meglio di Star Trek."

"You have taste up your ass, Mick."

"Fuck you too, Snart."

The priest yelled at them.

"What'd he say now?" Mick demanded to know.

"I think something - again - about us burning in Hell." Len smiled. "No. L'ho già fatto; ho il tee maglietta."

"And that was?"

"Been there, done that; got the tee shirt."

"HAH! Good one, Lenny!"

Numerous guards entered, the priest pointed at them and made a few remarks.

"Apparently we fought well and since we didn't eat the drugged food," Len said, "they brought in reinforcements to take us out of here." 

"Take us where, Len?" 

Len asked, but didn't get an answer. "I assume we're going to be tortured."

Mick did a quick head count. "There's 10 of them. I think we can take them on."

Len did his own count, and not of the guards. "Three maces, four battle axes, three military forks and everyone has a sword." 

The cell opened.

Before Len or Mick could make a move, they were both clubbed over the head - twice.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Len slowly came to consciousness and found himself bound by rope - and tied to a stake. "Mick?"

"Again with the fucking head." Mick winced. "I'm going to have brain damage." He glanced at Len. "Don't say it."

"I won't, Mick. I'm tucking that reply away for a rainy day."

The priest was whipping the crowd into a frenzy.

"What's he saying now, Lenny?"

"Basically we're scum of the Earth and we...." Len paused. "We haven't had the chance to fornicate yet!"

The priest screamed at Len.

"He just told me to make my peace with God."

"How can we go from arrest to execution in two fucking days?!" Mick shouted. "That doesn't seem right, even for this year."

Len rambled off something in Italian, received an answer and turned to his partner. "Sodomites are the lowest of the low; they want us gone because they think we're going to hurt their kids."

"I ain't no fucking pedophile!" 

"That's irrelevant, Mick."

The priest murmured something.

"Ah, the Lord's Prayer." Len rolled his eyes and said something back.

"What'd you say, Len?"

"I quoted from 'Highway To Hell'."

"Nice."

"They're going to burn me first, Mick." 

"Don't worry, Lenny, after the first few minutes your body will probably go into shock and you won't feel a thing." Mick managed to get his jackknife out and was cutting through his rope; he was thankful he kept it sharp.

"Thanks, partner," Len sneered, "that's very comforting."

People began to throw food and Mick somehow caught a tomato in his mouth and managed to take a bite out of it.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm hungry." Mick eyed the man approaching Len with a torch. "Tell him he'll get a better flame if he uses alcohol."

"If we get out of here, Mick, I'm going to kill you." Len said calmly. "If we don't survive, I'll kill you in the next life."

Mick was looking at the torch. "If you're going to start a fire, do it properly." He sighed. "These guys don't know the first thing about arson." 

Len was trying to blow out the torch the nearest man was holding. 

"Enough of this!" Mick felt the rope give way and he was loose. "I'm into bondage as much as the next guy, but you didn't even ask for my safe word." He stalked towards the men with the torches but they didn't move until he took out his lighter; then they backed away. "Yes, I can make fire from my hand - thank you, Mister Zippo." He snatched one of the torches and set a man's shirt on fire, watching him flee. "You're rank amateurs." He snatched up a flask, doused another guy and touched him with the torch, watching him flare up. "It's a shame you don't have whole grain alcohol," Mick grinned, "then we could really have a party."

"Per questo, brucerai all'Inferno!" Len yelled. 

"What did you say?" Mick noticed the crowd seemed to be afraid of him and that made him happy. He couldn't resist setting a building on fire.

"I think I told them for this they're going to burn in Hell." Len saw another man drop a torch on the wood beneath him and it began to burn. "Mick? Do you think you can FUCKING UNTIE ME?!"

Mick turned. "Sorry, Len." 

Once free Len grabbed him by the arm. "Let's go, Mick."

"Not yet, Lenny; I got unfinished business." Mick's eyes zoomed in on the priest. He handed Len the torch and just waved his lighter about, watching people keep away from him. As he approached he saw another man with his sheath and Ka-Bar, and the man next to him had Len's pistol. "Those are ours!" Mick took them back and shoved both men into another man who was holding a torch as well - they all began to burn. "Here's your gun!" He tossed Len the pistol. 

Len fired off a shot and there was a loud gasp from the crowd as a whole. "Ti senti fortunato? Hai dato un senso alla mia giornata." He gave Mick his standard smirk. "I asked them if they felt lucky and told them to go ahead and make my day."

"Ten points for that one." Mick got his hands on the priest. "Let's see how you like it, ya maniac!" He dragged the man over to the poles. "Your turn now, fuckwad." He bound the man to the pole that had held him - the one that wasn't currently burning - and grabbed yet another flask, this time to douse the pyre. "Tell him I'll see him in Hell."

Len glared at the man. "Ci vediamo all'Inferno." 

Mick pulled a guy from his horse and mounted it. He pulled Len up behind him, shouted, "ASSHOLES, ALL OF YOU!" and watched as Len threw the torch at the wood pyre. Mick took another torch from someone and tossed it at a building, watching it begin to burn, before he turned the horse, ready to get out of there.

"Just a second, Mick." Len got a look at the two guards who had threatened Mick with their swords. "I have a promise to keep." He shot twice, hitting each man in the head and he watched them fall. 

"Hold on to me, Lenny," Mick told him. "I don't want you falling off." He brought the horse to a gallop to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Nobody followed them.

Finally arriving back at the original landing area, they were extremely happy to see the Waverider in the exact spot it was supposed to be in.

They dismounted and Mick undid the bridle and removed the saddle from the horse. "GO ON, GET OUTTA HERE!" And then he slapped it twice, making the horse take off. 

Len took a deep breath. "I don't think I've ever been so happy to see this damn ship."

"You are not alone in that, Len; not by a long shot."

**~~~~~~~~~~**


	6. There's No Place Like Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on the Waverider. Finally.

"Ah, the prodigal children have finally returned," Rip said nonchalantly as the two men entered the ship. "What have you done for the past two days? And I see you don't have the Mona Lisa."

"We found your note," Len told Sara, "and nothing much."

"Nothing much?" Sara eyed them strangely. "Two days and **nothing much**?"

"C'mon, tell us what you two got up to," Kendra prompted.

"I kissed Len for the first time," Mick said, and yes, he seemed a bit shy about it.

"How romantic." Kendra sighed. "What else?" 

"What else? Let's see...." Len seemed to be thinking. "We got caught kissing and were beaten up by a homophobic mob."

"They called us depraved perverts, pedophiles and fornicators," Mick added. "We didn't even get to the fornicating yet."

"We were thrown in jail," Len continued, "and shared a cell with some rats."

"And the only meal we got was drugged." Mick seemed sad. "We didn't even get chipped beef on toast for breakfast. That's my favorite prison food."

"We'll discuss your eating habits at another time," Len told him. Before he could say anymore, Rip interrupted him.

"I knew you would do something illegal." Rip shook his head at them. "I can't trust the two of you at all."

Len began to grind his teeth, fighting off a homicidal urge. "All we did was share a kiss!" 

"For the future," Rip told them, "perhaps you should have supervision."

"How about this, Rip?" Len got in his face. "We were convicted of sodomy and heresy - not to mention witchcraft - after a trial that lasted **maybe** 15 minutes."

"The witchcraft was my fault." Mick shrugged. "Who knew my lighter would cause trouble?"

"And to top it all off," Len snarled, "we were tied to stakes in the town square and nearly BURNED ALIVE! So it was just TWO FUCKING DAYS OF FUN FOR US!" He glanced at Mick. "Did I forget anything?"

"I got to set a few fires." Mick seemed cheery over that. "And we escaped on horseback, just like in the movies." 

"I do apologize." Rip was contrite. "Obviously I had no idea."

"I'd pound your ass into the wall," Len told him, "but I'm too tired right now."

"I think one of my past lives was burned at the stake." Kendra scrunched her face up; on occasion some of her previous lives were not so difficult to remember. "She was. Did you know after the first few minutes your body goes into shock and you don't feel a thing?"

Mick smiled at her. "I told you, Len."

"I don't care, Mick."

"How's Haircut?" Mick asked. "Can we see him?"

"He's in his room but he's sleeping," Kendra told him. "I'll let you know when he wakes up."

"I think we should go attempt cupcakes for him again," Sara suggested.

"Third time's the charm," Kendra nodded to her.

"In our case, fifth." Sara took her by the hand and the two women left the bridge.

"They're holding hands," Mick observed. "And I still find it wild that Palmer would be into a threesome."

"It's been interesting." Rip explained. "But not half as interesting as the man who came over to our table at that taverna looking for you after you left, Leonard."

"What man?" Len asked, wondering who he was talking about.

"The man who said he gave you the wrong directions to the Florencian home of Leonardo da Vinci," Rip smiled a little, "who apparently just finished work on a portrait of Lisa del Giocondo." 

"Never heard of her," Len said quickly.

"Leonardo who?" Mick snickered.

"Face it, gentlemen," Rip was biting back laughter, "you will **never** get the Mona Lisa."

"Don't be too sure, Rip." Len told him. "You never know."

"We will **never** be back in this era, so forget about stealing that painting." Rip was rather smug about it.

"Hey Hunter," Mick said, all pretense of humor gone, "next time we don't show up after 24 hours, send out a search party."

"Noted, Mister Rory," Rip replied, "and painful as it is for me to say, I am glad you are both alive."

"He just said something nice to us," Mick pointed out, just loud enough for Rip to hear as he and Len left the bridge.

"I think Hell just froze over," Len added.

Rip waited until they were out of earshot before he murmured to himself, "Life would be all too dull without the two of them around."

"I must concur, Captain Hunter," Gideon said.

"Yes, and we'll keep that bit to ourselves, won't we Gideon?"

"Of course, Captain," Gideon added. "I shall begin a search for further information on Vandal Savage."

"I know you will." Rip stared after the two men. "But for right now, I don't think there is any rush."

"Understood."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"We need to shower, Len; we both stink." Mick heard his stomach growling. "And I'm hungry."

Len headed in the opposite direction of their quarters. "We **need** to get to the medical bay first." 

"If I got the plague," Mick groused, "I'm goin' back there and torchin' the whole damn town."

"If you have the plague, Mick," Len tried hard to keep a straight face, "your dick may fall off."

Mick looked panic-stricken. "What?"

"Body parts can just drop off with no warning."

"You're shittin' me."

"Yes," Len nodded, "I am." 

"You fucker." Mick grabbed Len's wrists and shoved him against the wall. "I hate you, Snart."

"I can see that." Len flicked his tongue out and moistened his lips. "So much hatred."

The kiss they shared this time wasn't lust, it wasn't hunger, it wasn't rushed; it was soft and gentle and pure perfection. 

"Let's get checked over so we can," Len gave him the once over, "hate each other some more."

They got to the medical bay and each took an exam bed.

"Make sure we don't have the plague, Gideon," Mick told the AI.

"And make sure Mick has no brain damage," Len added wistfully. 

"I could make a remark about that," she said, "but for a change I shall refrain. It should take about 10 minutes, gentlemen."

They had been there a few minutes when Len asked, "Are you a top or bottom, Mick?"

"I'm flexible." Mick could play this game also. "Do you give head, Lenny?"

"You'll have to wait to find out." Len paused. "What you said about safe words in that town - yes, I heard - are you into kink?"

"Why?"

"Because I asked you, Mick."

"I don't know if I want to tell you, Len."

"I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, MICK!"

"Calm down, Lenny; it isn't healthy to yell like that."

"Healthy?"

"You could give yourself a heart attack or somethin'."

"I must concur, Mister Snart," Gideon said. "Your blood pressure is rising."

"If you don't want me to have a cardiac arrest, Mick, then answer me."

"No, I'm not. Are you?"

"You know, Mick, you should be thankful I don't have my gun nearby."

"You would hit me in the head again, Lenny? After what we just went through?" Mick shook his head and tsk'd. "That's a sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder."

"WHAT?!"

"I had a shrink tell me that once." Mick nodded. "Doctor Jonathan Crane."

"When were you in Arkham?"

"Crane also works at the Gotham Pen and I had to see him when I was there - before you broke me out." Mick shrugged. "He tried to recruit me for a job and that's how I know him. Happy now?"

"Immensely."

Gideon interrupted them with, "I detect no signs of disease in either of you. I do find you are both suffering from low blood sugar, so I would suggest some food. And Mister Rory," she said, "I did not have the time to check you for any type of brain damage."

"My brain is fine," Mick told her.

"That is highly debatable," she shot back. "And may I add that there is no need to instigate an altercation with Mister Snart. It is neither emotionally or physically healthy for either of you."

"So now you're Doctor Phil?" Mick asked her. "Take your psycho-babble and shove it up your...."

"Thank you, Gideon; we're leaving now." Len shoved Mick out of there.

The two men left the med bay and finally arrived at their quarters, standing outside their respective doors.

"We could shower together," Len suggested.

"The two of us in one of those tiny showers?" Mick leered at Len and they approached each other. "It'll be a tight squeeze."

Both their stomachs chose that moment to make loud noises. 

"Len, I'll just meet you out here in five minutes and we'll get food."

"I'm not disagreeing, Mick."

Ten minutes later they were clean, wearing fresh clothing and on their way to the kitchen.

Neither man ever prepared his own meals or got his own food; they just scavenged for what everybody else had. The refrigerator was rather large and each crew member had their own spot - Len and Mick's, however, were (almost) always bare. The only items found there were beer and the occasional take-out boxes.

Len took a container out and looked it over. "Kendra made...something."

"She always cooks the best stuff." Mick leaned over Len's shoulder as he opened it. "It's fucking green!"

"It's guacamole." Unable to find chips, Len took out a box of crackers and began to eat. "It's good." 

Mick saw something large wrapped in foil in Jax's spot labeled _**PLEASE** don't eat this Mick or Len_ , which of course was what he grabbed. "Turkey leg." He tore into it with his teeth with his left hand, while his right pulled out a container of spaghetti. "Palmer makes his own sauce and it ain't half bad." He put the turkey down while he opened it, took out a fork, and then alternated between that and the pasta. He then searched around and found two empty six-pack holders. "They finished our fucking beer!"

Len saw the sticky note: _We drank your beer in revenge for you eating all our food, you fucking cheap ass bastards - Love XXOO, Sara_

"And she says **I** have a potty mouth?"

Mick took a can out. "I'll drink Stein's black cherry soda." 

"Any Pepsi?" 

"No Pepsi, Lenny, but Kendra has Coke."

Len rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He caught the can as Mick threw it to him and opened it with one hand while his other continued to shovel crackers with guacamole into his mouth. 

Mick guzzled his soda and wiped his hands and face. He stood behind Len and slid one arm around his waist, grinding his hips forward. "Now I get to judge if you're magnificent or not."

"Can I finish eating?" Len laid his head back against Mick's shoulder. "I think I saw a sub hiding in the back of the 'fridge."

Mick let him go. "You do that." He smacked Len's ass. "Come to my room when you're done."

Len did find a sub and he was ready to dig in until he opened it - it was one of Stein's weird combinations: Liverwurst and limburger - with pickles no less. "How does he eat that shit?" Appetite effectively killed for the moment, Len headed to Mick's room. He had just about gotten there when he heard moans from Ray's room. Mischievous man that he was, Len couldn't resist opening the door - he found Ray lying on the bed with Sara riding him and Kendra kneeling behind Sara. "Oops, sorry, wrong room!" 

"GET OUT, SNART!" Sara yelled at him.

Len laughed out loud before backing away, the door closing behind him. Len than went straight to Mick's room and found his partner lying naked on the bed.

"Took you long enough, Lenny."

Len sat on the lone chair and unlaced his boots. "I peeked in on the perverts down the hall." He found himself laughing again. "It was some sight." His shoes and socks came off. "Kinky bastards." He stood and undid his pants. "Lance was...."

"Sitting on Palmer's dick while Kendra was doing some funky stuff wrapped around her." Mick shrugged. "Yeah, I peeked too." He nodded to Len. "You gonna get naked or do you fuck with your pants on?"

"I'm getting there, Mick." Len's pants and underwear came down and he stepped out of them, pulling his shirt over his head as he approached the bed. "Please tell me you have lube."

Mick waved the tube in front of him. "Couldn't find any condoms."

"We're clean," Len took the tube, "and it's not like we could knock each other up." He looked the tube over. "Mick, this isn't lube; it's the shit you use to clean your gun with."

"It'll work."

"Just...don't move." Len slid off the bed and pulled his pants and shirt back on. "I'll be back." He left the room and headed to the medical bay. "Gideon, I need...can you...lubricant?"

"Do you require lubricant for something mechanical or for sexual intercourse?" 

"The latter." Len waited a moment and a panel slid open. "Thank you."

"Do you require prophylactics?" Gideon asked him.

"Prophy-what?" Len asked her.

"Condoms, Mister Snart."

Len considered that, but shook his head. "No, not necessary, but thanks for the offer." He was on his way back to Mick's room when he passed Martin. Being he enjoyed driving the professor up the wall, Len held up the tube. "Lube; makes sex much more pleasant."

"I did not need to hear that!"

"I know!" Len strolled back to the bedroom and when he entered he found Mick in the same spot, except Mick was now asleep. 

Hearing him, Mick cracked his eyes open. "Just needed to rest for a minute." 

"Uh-huh." Len took his pants and shirt off and crawled into bed. "Gideon, cut the lights." Len pulled Mick's arm out and settled in, feeling the arm come around and hold him. 

"Sorry, Len," Mick murmured. "I'm so damn tired." 

"Me too." Len's eyelids were getting heavy; he hadn't realized how exhausted he was. 

"Stayed up..." Mick's voice was fading out, "...kept the rats away from you."

"Of course you did." Len was drifting off also. "Because you love me."

"Yeah."

"It's safe to sleep, Mick; no rats here." 

"Okay."

"And I love you, too, Mick."

"I know. And Lenny, when people turn the lights off, that means sleep. So stop making me tell you to shut up and just do it."

**~~~~~~~~~~**


	7. Full Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Mick finally go beyond their first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other DC characters get mentioned. Again.

Mick stretched out and rolled over, finding an empty space beside him. "Lights, level one." He glanced around the dimly lit room, not seeing his partner. "Lenny?"

Len came out of the bathroom and smiled at him. "I had to go."

"Ya sound like a six year old." Mick forced himself out of bed and as he passed Len, he said, "Real men say take a piss." 

"Lowlife," Len muttered as Mick passed him. 

"Keep it up, Len, and no way are you on top," Mick replied as he shut the bathroom door. He came out a few minutes later and stopped in his tracks - Len was kneeling on the bed, stroking his cock and he was eyeing him as if Mick was a piece of meat. 

"Like what you see?" Len licked his upper lip rather seductively. "Come and get it." The moment Mick was in reach Len slid his free hand to Mick's nape and pulled him into what could only be described as an explosive kiss. His tongue slipped between Mick's lips and twirled their tongues together, moaning while he continued to stroke himself and as Mick attempted to draw back Len just moved forward, keeping their lips locked. 

The need for breathing took precedence and Mick tore his lips away, gasping for air. "What the fuck was that?"

"That was a kiss, Mick." Len placed his palm on Mick's cheek, running his thumb over Mick's lips until they opened and Mick sucked on it. "Why don't you join me?" He brought both palms to Mick's face and sighed before he went for another kiss; he teased and tasted, and maneuvered Mick onto the bed, pushing him onto his back.

Mick relaxed and met Len's tongue with his own, matching each stroke. The kiss was hot and Mick pressed his mouth hard against the lips over his; he could give as good as he was getting. He pulled Len atop him, fingers touching every bit of flesh that he could reach; he was growing lost in the stimulation - his body was on fire. He grabbed Len's ass and arched his hips, hooking one leg over Len's and holding him there. "Lenny, please...I want...."

"Tell me, Mick." Len left kisses on Mick's neck and along his collarbone to his shoulder blade; his hands gripped Mick's biceps, taking a moment to feel the solid muscle before his fingertips swept down the arms. "I'll give it to you."

"Anything." Mick's hands began to roam Len's body, from his back to his ass and up again. "Everything."

Len slipped his legs out from under Mick's and licked across the broad planes of Mick's chest; he had long ago stopped noticing the burn scars marring his partner's body. 

But the other scars...Len trailed his tongue along a particularly nasty one. This was a personal one to him. Mick had gotten in the way of some psycho they had on a crew who tried to stab Len over his share of a heist - on Mick's 30th birthday no less. He kissed across to another one - this was from a bullet Mick ended up with during a 2005 robbery and was one of the few times Mick actually ended up in the hospital - literally carried there by Len.

"I can hear you thinking."

"Remembering." Another scar, this one across the breast bone and Len placed his lips gently upon it. He remembered that wound also - 2008, bank job, explosion and shards of glass, one of which ripped through Mick's shirt and sliced into the skin.

"Lenny, how about we just set aside some time to reminisce about all my scars? Like next Tuesday."

"Yes, Mick." Len tongued a nipple, pulling at it with his teeth. "Whatever you say, Mick." He licked his way across to the other. "You're in charge, Mick." Len sucked the other between his lips before giving it a nip.

"You're a brat, Snart." Mick ran his fingers through Len's short hair. "Can you let your hair grow? Just a little? I want something to grab."

"I'll think about it." Len kissed and bit along Mick's abdomen as he slid down Mick's body, leaving little marks everywhere he touched. He finally reached the body part that most wanted his attentions; Mick's cock was hard and leaking precome, and Len drew his tongue along the length a few times, while his palms smoothed a path up Mick's chest, rubbing against his nipples. He teased the head with a few brushes of his tongue before peppering the length with soft kisses and his hands slid to Mick's hips, putting pressure on them, holding Mick still. 

"Len...."

"Shh," Len whispered, a bite to each hip bone as he lifted Mick's cock between his lips and slowly brought his mouth down, his tongue working in tandem with his lips. He took it down his throat all the way and as he raised his head his teeth grazed the sensitized skin while his blunt nails dug into Mick's hips. He kissed along Mick's inner thighs, rubbing his cheek there, feeling Mick shiver. He kissed each of Mick's ass cheeks and swiped his tongue along the center, then bit and licked some more. Len kissed his way to Mick's balls, taking each one into his mouth, sucking each gently. He licked his way back to Mick's cock and sucked it down again, humming around the length. Every time Len felt Mick try to thrust up he pushed him back down; he was keeping control. 

Mick didn't know what to do with his hands; he was afraid to touch Len, he didn't want this to stop. Instead his hands wound in the sheets, gripping them until his knuckles were stark white; he let himself fall into the sensations. This was beyond Mick's expectations; it was different than anything he had ever experienced in bed. Len's concentration was fully focused on him - **that** was something completely new to Mick. Nobody had ever cared enough to make it all about **him**. This wasn't just a blow job, it wasn't just sex - Len was loving him; making love **to** him. Mick's eyes grew wide at that thought and he watched Len suck him off, moaning at the intimate pleasure he was receiving. Len had said it would be magnificent and he hadn't lied; this was incredible. "Fuck me, Lenny - please." Mick heard his own voice and it sounded ragged, but he didn't care. 

Len raised his head. "No."

Mick was thoroughly confused and that was putting it mildly. "No? Whaddya mean no?"

"Sit up for me," Len told him. 

Bewildered as he was, Mick did as Len asked. 

Len moved up and forward, sitting in Mick's lap and facing him. "Inside me, Mick."

"Huh - what?"

"I'm open for you." Len grabbed Mick's hands and slapped them on his ass and he took Mick's cock in his right hand while he braced his left on Mick's shoulder. "What do you think I was doing in the bathroom?"

Mick brought his fingers to Len's hole and they slid in. "Damn, Lenny." He pulled Len's cheeks apart and felt his cock slip inside - it was tight and hot...and bare. Mick had never felt that before; there was always a condom. 

Len brought his mouth to Mick's ear and tongued the lobe, whispering, "Fuck me." 

Mick didn't have to be told twice, but he was careful and took it slow, easing Len upon his cock. 

Once Len was seated he took hold of Mick's shoulders and twisted his body every which way, taking Mick as deep as he could. 

A hard rhythm soon followed, the two men writhing together; Mick set the pace, Len followed his lead. 

Mick took hold of Len's hips, thrusting deeper, twisting as he pushed up, knowing he'd hit Len's prostate when Len shouted, "OH FUCK MICK!"

Len met every upward thrust by screwing down and he bit Mick's shoulder.

Both men were moaning and grunting - they were like two animals in heat.

Len brought one hand between them and tugged at his cock - it took all of three pulls before he was spurting all over them.

A few seconds later Mick's vision grayed as he followed with his own orgasm. "Kiss me," he growled and moved one hand to Len's nape, fusing their lips together. 

They stayed in that position, both gasping for air in between kisses.

"Magnificent?" Len asked with a wicked grin.

"Outstanding." Mick buried his face against Len's chest. "Fucking amazing."

Both men turned as the door to the room opened, revealing Sara and Kendra.

"Oops, sorry," Sara said snidely.

"Wrong room," Kendra sneered.

Len grinned at them. "Feel free to observe."

"You might learn something," Mick added tongue-in-cheek.

Both women stared at them, mouths agape.

"With age," Len leered at them, "sometimes comes an ' _I don't give a fuck who watches me fuck_ ' attitude."

"And we old folks give zero fucks." Mick waved his arm out. "So take a seat if you want."

Kendra and Sara looked like they were going to scream and their footsteps were heard stomping down the corridor as the door slid shut behind them. 

"Also with age," Len sighed, "is one round and I'm done for a while."

"Yeah," Mick agreed, "but what a round it was, Lenny." 

Len lifted himself up. "I'll go get a cloth to wipe up with." 

"You do that, Len; you're younger than me."

"Bastard." But Len did go to the bathroom and cleaned himself up, and then returned with a washcloth, which he threw at Mick. "Clean yourself up, old man."

Mick wiped himself down and threw the cloth across the room, where it landed in a pile of dirty clothes. "Hey." He pulled Len down beside him. "That was more than just sex, wasn't it?"

"It was, Mick; much more." Len laid his head in the crook of Mick's arm. "Tomorrow I promise to fuck you."

"I'll hold you to that, Len." 

They shared a few more lazy kisses and Len noticed that Mick was giving him a curious look. "What, Mick?"

"When did you meet Ivy?"

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"No."

"I met **Pamela Isley** in the Gotham museum when I was 20-something; you and I weren't working together then." Len sighed at the memory. "She was putting together a display of plants and she had the nicest ass. So we...sort of dated for a few weeks." 

"And what the hell were you doing with Joker?" Mick was not happy about that bit of information. "I oughtta kick your ass for going near that fucking unhinged psycho."

"When I was with her in Gotham, word got out I had done work for the Santini's. Napier offered me a job but I turned it down - the guy was...creepy." Len shuddered. "Even before he got all pasty-faced he had that demented grin and when I saw a picture of Joker I knew who he was."

"And you and Crane?"

"None of your business, Mick."

"I told, you gotta tell."

"If you insist."

"I do, Leonard."

"During your...disappearance...after the fire, I worked another job in Gotham and I was offered **membership** in some group that was being formed; he was a part of it." Len laughed a little. "It turned out this little group was planning to go up against The Bat. Since I am a sane person, I declined." 

"Good call, Lenny. I'd rather go up against five Flash's and three Arrow's than one fucking Batman."

"And how did you know who Joker was, Mick?"

"I was left alone in Crane's office once and I rifled his briefcase; he had some files in there, including Napier and Isley."

"Who else do you know about?"

"Uh-uh, Lenny." Mick gave him a kiss. "You want anybody else, you're going to have to trade Scarlet's real name."

"I'll think about it." Len yawned and relaxed into Mick's embrace. "More sleep?"

"Yeah, we got two days to make up for."

"Who's providing us with breakfast in the morning?" Len asked.

Mick thought for a moment. "Canary has bacon and eggs."

"You cooking, Mick?"

"Of course."

"Good, because I want breakfast in bed."

"Maybe. If you're nice to me."

"I'll be extra nice."

"In that case, Lenny, I'll steal some of Stein's espresso for you, too."

"You really do love me."

"I do. And Len?"

"What?"

"I don't ever want to see the Mona Lisa again."

"Agreed, Mick; she's just not worth it."

"But Van Gogh's The Starry Night...."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

By the next day Mick and Len were both back to themselves...and sharing kisses in a corridor.

"Aww, that's so sweet." Ray was standing there with a huge grin.

"You!" Mick stuck his finger in Ray's face. "You owe me a new shirt."

"I'll get...."

"And where are my cookies?!"

"I'll just go and...."

"Get to it; I need my sugar!"

"Yes, I...."

"NOW!"

"I'm going, Mick." Ray headed down the corridor.

"HEY!"

Ray turned around. "Yes, Mick."

"Kitchen's the other way!" 

"Sorry." Ray whimpered as he passed them.

"And I want brownies!" Len added.

Ray picked up the pace and practically ran.

"I'm glad he's okay, Lenny." Mick smiled. "I like having somebody to torment."

"You have Raymond and I have Stein," Len nodded. "Now, where were we, Mick?"

"On the way to our room so you could fuck me, Len."

"And you were going to blow me, Mick."

"And by the time we're done," Mick nodded, "dessert will be ready."

"Life is good, Mick."

"Abso-fucking-lutely perfect."

**FIN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Captain Cold worked with The Scarecrow in the _Legion of Doom_ in the old "Superfriends" cartoon; in the comics, both he and Heat Wave have been members of various Super Villain "societies" over the years.  
>  2\. I do intend to write Len and Mick getting their hands on the Mona Lisa at some point.


End file.
